Questions to ask a future spouse
Jul 8th, 2009 by Miss Samantha
Here are the questions that I told you I would put up for you. The first part are the questions that our family put together, the other parts are questions that others have asked. I pray that these may give you an idea as to what questions you should be finding out about, but more importantly, give you some conversation starters. 
Enjoy!
Our Families Questionnaire:
1. What do you believe concerning salvation? How does one get saved? What are they saved from?.
2. What do you believe concerning baptism? Should it be done? If so, when and how.
3. Please share with us your testimony of salvation
4. What do you believe concerning predestination? Do you feel we are predestined? Do you believe in free will?
5. Are you allowed to sin after you are saved? Why?
6. What is your beliefs concerning eternal security? Do you believe a person can lose their salvation? If so, how, how often, and when? What do you believe about spiritual grace? What is it? What is it for? Does it free you from the law? Etc.
7. What do you believe concerning Heaven? How many heavens are there? Who will go there? Etc..
8. What are your beliefs concerning Hell?
9. How many hells are there? Who will go there?
10. Is there such a place as purgatory? If so, who will go there? Etc.
11. Is there such a place as Limbo? If so, who will go there? Etc.
12. What do you believe concerning tithing? Should it be done? If so, when, how much, to whom, etc.?
13. What do you believe concerning the trinity? Three in one? Three are one? Three separate beings? Two are one? Two separate beings? One? Etc.
14. What do you believe concerning the doctrine of tongues? Do you believe that people talk in tongues today? What do you think it means to speak in tongues? If so, what guidelines should be followed concerning it?
15. What calendar do you believe to be the scripturally correct one? What calendar do you use for spiritual holidays?
16. What role do you believe God’s law has in a Christian’s life? Mosaic law? Ceremonial law? Sacrificial law? Unclean laws (both meat and life)? To what extent should they be obeyed? What do you believe concerning Christians keeping the feast days listed in scripture? Are there any particular things, or rules, concerning what Christians can and can’t do during them? Are there any parts that you don’t feel should, or can, be kept?
Unclean food laws: Unclean human laws:.
Passover/unleavened bread:
Pentecost/firstfruits:
Trumpets:
Day of Atonement:
Others:
What do you believe concerning the Sabbath? Should it be kept? If so, what day is it to be kept on today? What rules are there regarding it? What do you normally do on the Sabbath?
17. What do you believe concerning the intermingling of seed and cloth? What is it? Example: Is it permanent press? Should it be done.
18. What do you believe concerning divorce? Can one get a divorce? If so, what reasons, or basis, are allowed? Once divorced, is a person allowed to marry again
19. Should a person who was divorced and remarried, separate from their new spouse? Why or why not?
20. Should you separate from those who have divorced and remarried? Why or why not?
21. How do you feel about intermarriage between races? For others and for your own family?
22. What do you believe concerning non-resistance? Is there ever a time to fight? Should you defend your country? Your neighbor? Your family? Your belongings? Etc.
23. What are your beliefs concerning the tribulation period and rapture? Do you believe in Pre-Trib., Mid-Trib., Post-Trib., none of the above, etc.?
24. Do you believe that you should use sacred names? If so, which ones, and to what extent?
25. What are you beliefs/feeling concerning debt? Do you believe that it is wrong for a person to go into debt?
26. Is it ok to take out a mortgage?
27. Is it ok to use a credit card?
28. What are your feelings regarding self-sufficiency?
29. How do you feel about prejudice and racism?
30. What do your devotions consist of and how often do you do them?
31. What version(s) of the Bible do you feel to be correct and which one(s) do you use?
32. What do you believe is the correct authority chain? Who should obey who? Please answer regarding the police, the government, children, wives, husbands, the church, the pastor, God, and anyone else you feel is important?
33. Should you submit to the government? If so, to what extent?
34. Should the wife submit to the husband? If so, to what extent?
35. Should younger children submit to older children? If so, to what extent?
36. Are children to obey their parents even after marriage?
37. What church do you presently attend and do you plan to stay there?
38. What are your feelings about that church?
39. What do you see as the man’s role in the church?
40. What do you see as the woman’s role in the church?
41. How do you feel about age-segregation in the church? (youth groups, nurseries, Sabbath school, etc.)
42. What are your views of the church and it’s role in your life?
43. What are your views concerning employment? What income-producing (vocational) skills do you have? What are your thoughts about a home business? What job(s) do you have presently and/or plan to have in the future?
44. What is your view on women working outside of the home?
45. Do you presently live in a city, suburb, town, country, farm, seaside, mountains, desert? Where do you plan to live in the future?
46. What are your goals in life? How do you intend to use your interests, experiences, skills, and talents? What role would your spouse and children play in this?
47. What is your relationship like with your father? Mother? Sibling(s)? Grandparents?
48. What are your thoughts concerning the care of elderly parents? Should they be placed in a nursing home or cared for by the children?
49. What role does a husband play in a Christian family? A father? A wife? A mother?
50. What role do you think the two sets of parents should have in the life of you, your spouse, and your children?
51. Do you like children?
52. How many children do you want?
53. What are your views on spacing the births of children?
54. What are your views on birth control? (Yes/No? What types if any can be used? What types if any should not be used? Etc.)
55. What are your views on abortion?
56. What are your thoughts on adoption?
57. What are your feelings concerning homebirth?
58. Would you want your children to be born at home or in the hospital?
59. Should a male baby be circumcised? If so, when?
60. Should a man who was not circumcised do so? If so, when?
61. If circumcision should be done, do you have any beliefs/preferences about how circumcision should be done (there are different ways of doing it)?
62. What are your views on reasoning with a disobedient child? Why?
63. What are your views concerning the use of the rod on a child? Why?
64. What are your views regarding standing them in the corner?
65. What are your views regarding giving them 3 chances, or counting 1,2,3 before dealing with disobedience?
66. How young do you feel child training should start?
67. How old do you feel they should be when child training stops?
68. What do you feel is the purpose of child training?
69. What are your views about letting them “sow their wild oats” during a certain stretch of time during their childhood?
70. What are your views concerning the belief that once children hit their teen years they will be rebellious?
71. Do you have any other views regarding child training?
72. What are your feelings concerning the medical field as it is today?
73. Do you believe that those in your family should be vaccinated? Other routine medical stuff?
74. Do you believe that only herbs should be used in case of sickness? Only medications? What are your What are your beliefs concerning dress? What do you feel is modest versus immodest? What part(s) of the body should be covered? Is their a difference between the rules set for women and the rules set for men? For example: How long should the clothes be? Short sleeve or long sleeve? Style? Pants on women? Etc.
75. What are your beliefs concerning fringes?
76. What are your beliefs/feelings concerning children seeing their parents when their parents are not fully clothed? (Some feel this is okay even if they wouldn’t let anyone else see them that way, and some do not.)
77. What are your personal preferences concerning clothing for your family
78. Do you feel that women should wear jewelry? If so, which ones, types, and to what extent?
79. Do you feel that men should wear jewelry? If so, which ones, types, and to what extent?
80. What about engagement rings and/or wedding bands?
81. What would you expect concerning jewelry in your family?
82. What are your feelings concerning women wearing makeup?
83. What do you believe about head coverings? Are they needed? Are they a cloth, long hair, or both? If they are needed, are they needed all the time, some of the time, etc.? Is it age dependant?
84. How long do you believe a man’s hair should be?
85. How long do you believe a woman’s hair should be?
86. Are there hair styles that you believe to be contrary to scripture? If so, explain? What about buns, braids, dying hair (men or women)?
87. What do you feel about pony tails on boys?
88. What do you believe concerning beards? Should men have them? Should they not? What rules are there in scripture concerning them? What are your preferences concerning these things? What would you expect of your family?
89. How do you feel about home schooling?
90. Do you want your children homeschooled?
91. What kinds of toys do you feel are or are not acceptable for children to have? To play with? What guidelines do you have concerning this that you would have in your family?
92. What reading material do you feel is or isn’t acceptable? What would you expect in your home?
93. What style(s) of music do you feel to be acceptable and nonacceptable? What would you expect in your home?
94. What are your beliefs concerning musical instruments? Should they be played? Are there some that should not? Should they be used in the church? What are your preferences in this area?
95. Do you like to sing?
96. How do you feel about playing card games? If you feel it is okay, which ones? Are there some you wouldn’t play?
97. What do you like to do for entertainment and how often? What hobbies do you have? What role will these things play in your home after you are married?
98. How do you feel about having a TV in your home? A VCR? If you believe that watching television is okay, what programs? If you believe that watching videos is okay, which ones (please give examples)? What guidelines do you place in your own life concerning this? What guidelines do you envision for your family?
99. How do you feel about swimming? Is it right or wrong? If you believe it can be done, what guidelines would you have for your family in this area?
100. How do you feel about drinking wine, alcohol? smoking?
101. How do you feel about dancing? Is it right or wrong? If you feel it is okay, which ones? Are there some that are not okay? What guidelines do you have concerning this?
102. Do you celebrate traditional holidays (Christmas, Easter, Halloween, etc.)? If so, which ones?
103. Do you celebrate traditional Jewish holidays (Hanukah, etc.)? If so, which ones?
104. How do you feel about Jewish traditions? Do you keep them? Do you want to try to keep them?
105. Do you like physical work?
106. How clean/organized do you like your house, land, etc.? What expectations would you have of your spouse and/or family in this?
107. Are you an early or late riser? Do you go to sleep early or late? Is this what you plan on doing after you are married?
108. What temperature do you like your house at during the day?
109. What temperature do you like your house at when you are sleeping?
110. How flexible are you regarding the temperature of your house?
111. Are you a vegetarian in belief? If so, please explain.
112. Are you a vegetarian in practice? If so, please explain.
113. Are there any meats that you believe are wrong to eat? Why?
114. What meat(s) do you generally eat?
115. What do you wish your family to do concerning eating meat?
116. Do you know how to cook?
117. What kinds of food do you like or not like?
118. How many meals a day do you normally eat (some eat one, some two, some three)? How many big or small meals do you eat? (some have a small meal for lunch and a big meal for supper, some the other way around, some all big meals, others all small meals) Again, what expectations would you have of your spouse and/or family in this?
119. Do you have any allergies?
120. Do you or you family (including Grandparents) have any prior or present health problem?
121. Do you know how to sew? Good, bad, etc.?
122. What amount of control do you think the wife should have in the decoration and arranging of the house (there are some who leave this entirely up to the wife and there are some who don’t allow the wife any say at all in this)?
123. Do you like animals?
124. Do you have any animals?
125. Would you like to have animals in the future?
126. Briefly describe a typical week day in your life. A typical “day off” from work.
127. Briefly, what are some of your feelings concerning personal hygiene and cleanliness, neatness in dress, etc.. What are some of your expectations in this area concerning your spouse?
128. What are your financial expectations?
129. Do you tend to be a scheduled person or an unscheduled person?
130. Do you tend to be more of a leader or more of a follower in life?
131. What are some things you are working on right now in your life?
132. What are some of your strongest strengths? Weaknesses?
133. What is your favorite way of avoiding conflict?
134. What do you most highly value in life? What next?
135. What are your thoughts on dating? Courtship? Betrothal? Have you done any of these? Explain.
136. Briefly stated, what do you think the process should be from start to finish in getting to the marriage alter? What do you think the parents involvement should be in this?
137. How do you feel about a “hands-off” relationship?
138. How do you feel about being chaperoned at all times?
139. What do you think the wedding should consist of? How expensive?
140. What about the honeymoon?
141. What do you believe should or should not be done during the first year of marriage?
142. What are you looking for most in a husband or wife?
143. What is your favorite way of avoiding conflict?
144. Which key areas do you feel you and your future spouse must have in common? What areas are important but negotiable?
145. What requirements for friendship (what do you look for in friends)?
146. What standards do you want to have for friends for your children?
147. Describe your educational goals for your future children?
148. How would you protect your children from unrighteous relatives and/or friends?
149. What do you feel about evangelism?
150. What does being a missionary mean to you? Who is supposed to be a missionary?
151. Please describe what becoming “one flesh” means to you concerning you and your future spouse?
152. What are your thoughts on moving from one place to another? Do you want to settle down and stay put forever?
153. What circumstances would affect your decision to locate and/or relocate your home? Family? Job? Climate? Etc.
154. What is hardest for you to leave peacefully in the hand of Yahweh? (What do you worry about most) Finances? The children getting hurt? Your spouse dying? Misunderstanding what you are supposed to be doing with your life? Etc.? Why?
155. What is your blood type (A+…B- etc.?
156. Point blank: Why do you want to get married?
What do you consider yourself?
Please think these things over very carefully and circle the ones that best describe yourself.
V = Very S = Somewhat N = Neutral
Calm V S N S V Excitable
Domineering V S N S V Submissive
Cold V S N S V Affectionate
Suspicious V S N S V Trusting
Outgoing V S N S V Reserved
Insecure V S N S V Confident
Procrastinating V S N S V Prompt
Spendthrift V S N S V Economical
Happy-go-lucky V S N S V Careful planner
Realist V S N S V Dreamer
Indifferent V S N S V Sympathetic
Social V S N S V Anti-social
Serious V S N S V Frivolous
Relaxed V S N S V Anxious
Critical V S N S V Tolerant
Liberal V S N S V Conservative
Uncommunicative V S N S V Communicative
Self-sufficient V S N S V Dependent
Open V S N S V Secretive
Revengeful V S N S V Forgiving
Organized V S N S V Careless
Perceptive V S N S V Unobservant
Timid V S N S V Bold
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Questions that Genevieve and some others have written up.
A warning from Genevieve about some of the questions below:
**Warning**
Questions like this do need to come with a warning label! Discussing these questions with a suitor - getting his responses and giving your own - can be an intimate and emotionally bonding exercise. Please use discernment with regard to how and when you use these questions. In my own situation, Dad had spent seven months emailing Pete before he and I met. When Pete and I started going through questions like these together, Dad was already convinced that all that was needed was a little bit of chemistry to bring about a courtship, engagement and marriage! I want to advocate taking care because it is no good to become emotionally bonded through a questioning process like this only to have a relationship end, say, because it wasn’t a serious relationship anyway, or because some basic foundational questions weren’t asked first to ensure that you could marry (ie that a marriage would be an equal yoking). For more information on emotional purity and taking care of your heart and emotions, the book Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart by Heather Paulsen is excellent. I normally sell it for NZD$26.00 but have it on sale at present for NZD$18.00 or AUD$19.00 (including postage).
Entertainment
- Are sports just something fun to do, or are they a big part of your life?
- What music do you listen to? (some examples) Does your family like/enjoy it too?
- What is your standard for Godly music?
- What are your views on television in the home, and what is your family’s history with television?
- What are your thoughts on computer/video gaming?
- What’s your favourite sport?
- What kind of music do you like?
Family
- What family traditions, holiday or otherwise, would you like to incorporate into your family?
- Do you want your children homeschooled? What role would you play in that? Would a `hodge-podge’ of curriculum be a part of the schooling plan?
- What are your views on circumcision? Would our sons (Lord willing) be circumcised?
- How would you go about testing suitors for your daughters? Or mates for your sons?
- What are your ideas when it comes to medical vs. natural/herbal remedies, or emergencies?
- Is homeschooling a preference or a conviction and why? What does your family think about it?
- What methods of discipline did your parents and grandparents use, and what is your opinion about this?
- If a visiting child misbehaves in your home, how do or would you handle it?
- What are your family’s holiday and anniversary traditions and how do you feel about them?
- As an adult living with or away from your family, what parts do your mother, father and grandparents play in your life?
- In your family, whose responsibility is it to mow the lawn and take care of other yard work?
- Is that the way you think it should be? How do or would you establish division of labour indoors and out?
- Does your family have an history of health challenges, and what is their and your view on this?
- How would you discipline a child if the child needed it?
Would you want your children home educated or sent to a school?Finances
- Do you only buy/wear name brand clothing/shoes, or are finds at thrift stores just fine?
- Would you be the only money-maker, or could (I) continue one or more cottage industries (which were begun before marriage), either throughout the marriage or as needed?
- Do you have a student loan or credit card debt? If so what are your plans for paying it off?
Food
- Do you like `leftover’ meals or something fresh for each meal?
- What food(s) will you absolutely not eat?
- When your family visits friends for a shared meal, what do you like to do after you’ve eaten?
- Do you ever do the dishes? When?
- What are your views on nutrition and supplementation?
Personal Habits/Skills/Hobbies/Direction
- Is there anything about your current lifestyle or habits that you would change if there were children being raised in your presence?
- What are your views and practices regarding male dress/appearance?
- Are you a home handyman, do you hire a professional, do you expect your mother/sister/wife to fix it, or do you just ignore it?
- Do you enjoy and initiate intellectual stimulation?
- What is your view on speech standards, in regards to education as well as uprightness?
- Do you alter your speech style when evangelizing or amongst differing levels of society and for what reason?
- Why have you chosen courtship over dating? Was it your parents’ view to start with, or have you dug deeper yourself, and as you have, has God spoken to you about it?
- Would you rather make a large difference in one person’s life or a small difference in the entire world?
- What God-given gifts and talents do you have, and how do you use or plan to use them for God’s service?
- What weaknesses do you have that I can pray about for you? How are you trying to overcome them, and is there any way I can help?
- What ministry(s) do you have?
- Is there any way I would be able to help you in this ministry(s)?
- Have you travelled much?
- Do you have a vision for your future family? What is it?
- Do you play any musical instruments?
- What do you like doing in your spare time?
Politics
- What’s your view on our present government? Do you think people should protest against some of the laws that have been passed or may be passed soon? Or would you rather only pray about it instead of moving in action?
- Do you ever criticize the leaders of our country?
- What do you think of society’s total exception and toleration of homosexuals?
- Would you smack your children even though it is illegal to do so? Is it right/wrong to obey this law?
Preferences- Do you like the town or the country better?
- What’s your favourite animal?
- What kind of books do enjoy reading most?
- What’s your favourite kind of take-aways?
Theology/Church
- What part does the Bible play in your life, and what is your view on modern translations?
- What do you consider appropriate music in the church and in the home and why?
- How do you spend your Sabbath and why?
- If your church leadership taught or promoted something you considered errant, how would you respond?
- What is your view on mid-week or evening church meetings that require the presence of husband and/or wife?
- What is your opinion of youth groups and children’s Sunday school?
- What is your attitude and activity regarding missions and evangelism?
- Do you believe in pre-destination?
- Do you believe in once saved always saved ?
- How much time do you spend talking to God?
- Is He always the main factor in all of your decisions?
- How has He impacted your life?
- When/how did you become a Christian?
- Are all the members in your family Christians or not?
- Calling/Vocation/Ministry/Vision
- What career are you pursuing? How are you pursuing it (college, apprenticeship, etc.)?
- How do you intend to fulfil the dominion mandate?
- What is your vision for the future? Where do you think the Lord wants you? What is His will for your life?
- What is your or would be our great spiritual purpose i
- n life?
- What particular task have you been created for and called to?
- What is your long-term vision for your family?
- How do you keep your vision alive?
Family/Raising Children
- Do you think it is appropriate to raise our children from a young age to be computer literate?
- Do you believe in maiden daughters staying at home or would you want them to get a university degree/career?
- What kind of relationship do you have with your father? Your mother? What kind of relationship do you hope to have with your sons? Your daughters?
- Do you believe in using birth control?
- How many children do you want? How many boys and how many girls?
- What do you want to name your children?
- What do you believe about child discipline?
- What do you believe about homeschooling?
- What is your greatest desire for your children? That they would know God?
- What is your vision for your family?
Finances
- What do you believe regarding going into debt?
- What do you believe about taking government handouts such as family support?
- What do you believe about finances? Cash based or are credit cards ok?
- How would you like to deal with money? Will I have a household budget?
- As far as you can ascertain.what sort of income level are you likely to live at?
Home Life
- What sort of meals does your family eat? What sort of meals do you want your wife to make?
- What sorts of foods do you like? How should I organise meals? ie, main meal at lunch or dinner?
- In what ways would you like your future household to be disciplined?
- What books do you want on your shelves? For you and your family?
- What books do you not want on your shelves?
- Where do you want to live?
Husband and Wife Roles and Responsibilities and Relationship
- What do you look for in a wife?
- How do you define a meek and quiet spirit in a woman? Is this something you look for in a wife?
- Do you believe that a wife should submit to her husband? What exactly does this mean to you?
- Do you believe that a husband should love his wife as he loves himself? What exactly does this mean to you?
- Will you expect your wife to be the sole care giver to your children, or will you take an active role in raising them?
- Do you expect your wife to do all the cooking?
- What are your views on female dress/appearance?
- How can I please you in the way that I dress?
- How can I please you in the way that I speak?
- How can I please you in the things that I do?
- In what ways, in what things do you need a wife to help you?
- What things do you see yourself doing with your wife: A. for relaxation?
- B. for fun? C. to sanctify her? D. to prepare for the future?
- Would you ever require/ask your wife to go into paid employment outside the home?
- Would you desire me to be active as a Titus 2 woman? (Particularly after our children have been raised?)
- Would you be willing to run with me? Walk with me? Help to keep me accountable to an exercise programme?
- How can I show you respect? What would you view as a disrespectful attitude or action from me?
- Have you prayed about our courtship/relationship/a possible future marriage with me?
Personal Details/Idiosyncrasies
- What is your favorite food?
- What are some of your favorite TV shows and movies?
- What’s your favorite color?
- What would be your favourite aspect of friendship? Marriage? Fatherhood? Husbandhood? Having a wife? Owning your own home?
- Do you have any food allergies?
- In what ways are you disciplined?
- In what ways would you like to be disciplined?
- Do you like to read out loud?
- to be gentlemen?
- What place does music have in your life?
- In what ways are you like your dad? In what ways are you unlike him?
- Who are the influential people in your life? Why?
- Who do you read/have you read?
- What are your messages?
- What do you like to read? What do you not like to read?
- What is the nicest complement you have been paid?
- How often and how much of the Bible do you read? What have you memorized?
Politics
- Are you a republican, democrat, etc?
- Would you vote for a female presidential candidate?
- What if the Government becomes antifamily, statist and totalitarian? Where would we go? What would we do? What about if we can’t spank? What about if we can’t home educate our children? Or can’t worship God/
- If homeschooling becomes illegal would you still homeschool? What about spanking?
Relationships in General and Ours in Particular
- Do you believe in dating or courtship, and how do you define both of these?
- Tell me about your past relationships.
- Have you ever kissed anyone?
- Do you believe in saving your first kiss for your wedding kiss?
- Have you ever had sex? [Girls, as horrible as it is to admit it, this and other similar questions are important to ask in this day and age. Michael Pearl writes an excellent article in this vein for fathers. Perhaps you could give your father the following link and tell him it is to an article which talks about some of the important questions a father would want to ask a future suitor in order to protect his daughter. This is not an article for younger readers to read (or even for most older readers! It is for fathers.).
- http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/topics/general-view/archive/2006/march/24/dads-daughter/]
- How far have you gone physically with someone? Do you regret going that far?
- Do you have difficulty dealing with lust?
- How far do you think is okay to go physically with a girlfriend/boyfriend?
- With just a friend?
- Is holding hands okay? Hugging?
- How much supervision do you think a dating/courting couple should have? Should they be allowed to go on dates alone? Should one of their parents always be present?
- Do you think the man should always pay for dates?
- Is it wrong for a woman to initiate a relationship with a man? Should a man always be the one to initiate a relationship? Why or why not?
Spiritual Disciplines (Christian Living)
- Do you have any convictions about which Christian organizations you give money to?
- When sharing your faith, do you believe in preaching “Law to the proud, grace to the humble” or do you believe in telling people that “God has a wonderful plan for your life”?
- Do you desire to glorify God in all that you do?
- Is attending church every Sunday a priority for you?
- Do you believe in elder rule, congregational rule or pastoral rule?
- Do you prefer small churches or large churches?
Theology/Orthodoxy
- What do you believe about creation vs. evolution?
- What is the meaning of life?
- What are your beliefs on the end times?
- Do you believe the rapture will occur before the tribulation?
- What do you believe about heaven and hell?
- Calling/Vocation/Ministry/Vision
-
- How could I help you? In your work, vision, etc?
- Do you work long hours? Do you see this continuing?
- What are your long term goals/aims/ambitions/visions regarding work/family/relationships/personally?
- What is your calling?
- How would you define/describe the dominion mandate?
- What is your ministry?
- In what ministry ways do you foresee using your family?
Family/Raising Children
- What goals do you have for your children? How do you want to raise them? Your boys? Your girls?
- In many families the only benefit of homeschooling is that the children are at home. What benefits do you want to have? What advantages do you want to take because your children are at home?
- How do you intend to discipline/train your infants?
- How do you intend to discipline/train your young children?
- Will your wife always come before your children?
- Regarding raising boys, what will your role be? Will you take over the training of your boys from your wife at some point?
- What situations would merit your daughter getting a part time or full time job? Or are you keen to train them to be helpmeets and homemakers by having them help you and I?
- Will spanking be a first or last resort?
- What homeschool curriculum/philosophies are you interested in?
- Would you ever send your children to school?
Finances
- Can you describe your financial situation to me?
- How do you foresee finances once you are married to be organized? For example, what would a regular food budget be likely to be?
- Do you have savings?
- Do you see tithing as an act of worship? ie, not proper to come before the Lord in worship without an offering?
Home Life
- What will life be like, what will my role be after the children are grown?
- What are your desires/intentions with regard to hospitality?
- What meals will we be able to eat together?
- Would you prefer your family to work together and towards a common goal? Or is the soccer mom lifestyle acceptable to you?
- What do you think about kids toys?
- What do you think about clutter and stuff? Children’s chores? Pocket money?
Husband and Wife Roles and Responsibilities and Relationship
- Have you prayed about our courtship/relationship/a possible future marriage with me?
- What is your understanding of the way Christ loves the church?
- Are you aware that as my federal head you are responsible for all my problems? (Page 12 of Federal Husband by Douglas Wilson talks about this).
- In what ways will it be hard for you to give up your privacy or independence or individualism if we marry?
- How can we glorify God and enjoy Him forever in our marriage?
- How long have you been alone?
- Does it seem to you that I would be a helper comparable to you?
- Are you prepared to answer my theological questions or, if you cannot, to study so you can remedy the deficiency?
- When I come to you for counsel, will you give it to me? When I ask for a decision, will you make it? Even if I resist it?
- Is it important to you that your wife be loyal?
- How could I demonstrate loyalty to you if we were married?
- Do I fit your needs?
- If we married would it point people to God?
- Do you think it is appropriate to correct your wife in public?
- Are you prepared for my unsubmissive sinful nature?
- What if we can’t have children?
- What do you anticipate married life with me looking like?
Personal Details/Idiosyncrasies
- What do you do to pursue purity? To guard your purity?
- Have you had any speeding tickets?
- Have you ever been in trouble with the law?
- Have you ever been in court?
- How did your parents meet?
- What makes you cry? Laugh? Frustrated?
- What other emotions do you tend to feel?
- What are your weaknesses?
- What are your character weaknesses?
- What things in your life are you trying to work on?
- What spiritual mistakes have you made in the past or errors have you believed?
- What sort of a wedding would you like? Style? Size? What traditions would it incorporate?
- What was your family like growing up?
- What is your church like?
- How do you learn best?
- What is important to you? What needs do you have?
- Is there anything else I should know about you?
Relationships in General and Ours in Particular
- Would you only date/court a person you are interested in marrying?
- How long should a couple date/court before becoming engaged?
- What do you think of giving promise rings?
- Do you think it’s okay to talk to someone of the opposite sex on the phone if you are not dating/courting them?
- What are your desires with regard to physical purity prior to marriage? What sort of physical touch is appropriate prior to marriage?
- What are your desires with regard to physical affection after marriage?
- Are you physically affectionate? Do you intend to be physically affectionate with your wife/children?
- What are your expectations from here?
- What are your courtship expectations?
- What about physical touch prior to marriage?
- Who are the people you are investing your emotional energy in?
- What safeguards or accountability should we have when we are together before we are married?
Spiritual Disciplines (Christian Living)
- What is your view of: A. Bible intake? B. Meditation? C. Prayer? D. Memorization? E. Worship? F. Evangelism? G. Tithing? H. Stewardship of time and money? I. Fasting. J. Silence and solitude? K. Simplicity (ie, living a simple life)? L. Dancing and feasting. M. Celebration?
- Would you want me to wear a headcovering?
- How do you feel about gossip? What constitutes gossip? How much should we talk about others? How much is it appropriate for a married couple to talk about others to each other? Would you ever talk about me to others?
Theology/Orthodoxy
- What do you think of intelligent design?
- What are your thoughts on paedo baptism and paedo communion?
- Are you Reformed?
Ten Questions to Ask Your Husband Each Year
I listened to a sermon with this title on sermonaudio.com recently. The minister recommended that a wife ask her husband the following questions each year:
- What could I do to make you feel more loved?
- What could I do to make you feel more respected?
- What could I do to make you feel more understood?
- What could I do to make you feel more self-confident?
- What could I do to make you more confident in our future direction?
- What attribute would you like me to develop?
- What attribute would you like for me to help you develop?
- What achievement in my life would bring you the greatest joy?
- What would really indicate to you that I really desire to be more Christlike?
- What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish?
Wouldn’t those be great questions to ask your husband each year to bless your husband and really be a help to him? Tuck them away and pull them out again once you are married!
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Questions to ask a spouse:
2. What are some of your goals in life?
3. What are some of your fears? Anxieties?
4. What are some of the things that bring you joy and fulfillment?
5. What are some of the things that causes you frustrations?
6. What is your relationship with your dad?
7. What are some of the expectations you have on marriage?
8. Do you plan to further your education?
9. What diet do you wish to have after you are married?
10. Are you happy at your currant job?
11. If you could name an occupation that you have dreamed about doing (even if you don’t see it happening) what would it be?
12. Where do you plan on living, and where would you like to live? If you could live anywhere on the earth, where would it be?
13. What are your feelings about the mission field?
14. Have you ever had a heart to go into the mission field, and can you see yourself one day on it? What are your feelings concerning this?
15. What is your devotional life like? What does it consist of?
16. What does your family do for family devotions? What does it consist of if they have it?
17. What are your plans for your family if you marry?
18. Write 10 or more things you think are nice, or that you like doing. This could do with food, activities, colours, animals, people, seasons, celebrations, whatever comes to your mind. Write as many as you can in 5 minutes. After you are finished, write another 10 items or as any as you can think of within the next 5 minutes.
19. Write 5 –10 things that are not nice, you don’t like or that annoy and irritate you. This can do with anything in life.
20. Write 3 -4 things that you say to others to encourage or congratulate…
a) your parents
b) your sister’s or brother’s (if you are not an only child)
c) your friends
21. Write 5 things that you were glad you did with your family. Things that meant a lot to you, or that you really enjoyed.
22. Who are some of the most important people in your life?
23. List them according to their importance.
24. Using a scale of 1-10, how do you rate your relationship with your parents? What about your siblings?
25. Do you ever have trouble communicating your feelings?
26. How do you best communicate what is on your heart? By talking? By writing?
27. When things are bothering you, do you tend to put it off, or deal with it right away?
28. When do you believe a family should be started?
29. What are your feelings about family planning?
30. What are some forms of family planning that you think are okay?
31. In what case would you consider using them?
32. What are some of your ways of dealing with conflict?
33. What are your feelings about cleanliness? House, clothes, body etc.?
34. What are some of your hobbies and interest?
35. What are some of your favorite meals? Breakfast, Lunch and dinner?
36. What are some of your favorite deserts?
37. What does your Sabbath consist of?
38. Next to the Bible, what are some of your favorite books?
39. What are some of your favorite videos?
40. What are some of your favorite games?
41. What are your feelings concerning a TV? Are you planning on having one, what is your standards concerning which video your family will be allowed to watch?
42. What are your views on a husband and father’s financial responsibility?
43. What are your views concerning debt?
44. If you believe debt is alright, how much debt do you think is okay, and how much is too much?
45. Do you carry any debts right now?
46. Who do you believe/think should be in-charge of handling the payments of bills doing taxes etc?
47. What is your present income and savings? Do you believe it will increase or decease in the near future? If so, please explain.
48. How do you feel about caring for an invalid wife or children with disabilities or catastrophic illness?
49. How do you feel about caring for your parents when they are older, should you have to?
50. Are you a virgin? If not, please explain.
51. What do you have in mind for a courtship? What do you feel should take place?
52. What about a betrothal period? What would you like to see take place during this time? What are your feelings concerning a hands-off (no physical contact) relationship? What about a hands-on (physical contact)? If hands-on, how much would you like?
53. Have you ever been in a dating/courtship or betrothal relationship? If so, please explain each situation and the length of the relationship(s), how and why each was ended (if they have ended), and the relationship (if any) that you have with each person now. What were/are your parents and siblings thoughts about the relationships?
54. What kind of alone-time do you anticipate on having with our daughter once you are engaged/betrothed?
55. How long do you anticipate being engaged/betrothed?
56. What role do you see that each sets parents playing during this relationship?
57. What opinions do you have about the wedding?
58. How will you handle it if there are conflicts over the wedding or honeymoon plans?
59. Do you play any musical instruments?
60. How do you spend your free time?
61. What are your plans for the next 5 years?
62. What is your ideal of a good and godly Believer’s home and also what do you desire for your future home, e.g. type of home (building), setting, location, near family (yours or his) or where, etc.? Is any of this negotiable with you?
63. Do you have any special convictions or personal beliefs that you can think of
64. If my wife and I feel led of Yahweh to allow our son to court you, would you be willing to listen to our pre-marriage counseling and read materials, listen to tapes, watch videos, go to conferences, seminars, work on any character flaws in your life, and do anything else we ask or recommend that you do to help prepare you for marriage?
65. What attributes or qualities attracted you to my daughter?
66. What kind of relationships, agreements, or serious conflicts do you have with your father, mother, and siblings (assuming you have any siblings)?
67. What do you do for entertainment or recreation?
68. What expectations do you have of your wife? Please be specific when answering and please list all of them as best you can.
69. Are you committed to listening to her?
70. Are you prepared to be sensitive to his spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, financial, and social needs?
71. If God gives you a wife, how do you feel about “dating” and “courting” her throughout your marriage, expressing your love to her, spending time with her, and doing “little” things such as writing notes and giving gifts, in order to build and strengthen your relationship?
72. How do you feel about adoption? Is this something that you would consider if God did not give you children, if He did give you children, or is this something that you definitely want to do or don’t want to do regardless? Is this something that you don’t plan to do, but are not against doing if Yahweh led you to do it? Please explain your thoughts.
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PRE-MARRIAGE QUESTIONS TO ASK PRE-MARRIAGE QUESTIONS TO ASK
Prepared by Dr. Neil Chadwick
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QUESTIONS FOR THE BRIDE-TO-BE:
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR FIANCEE IN REGARD TO THE FOLLOWING:
1. His special gifts and talents
2. His strong personality qualities
3. His relationship with his parents
4. His life goals
5. His special needs
6. His fears and anxieties
7. What brings him special joy and fulfillment
8. Sources of frustration for him
9. His expectations for marriage
10. His noticeable likes and dislikes
QUESTIONS FOR THE GROOM-TO-BE:
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR FIANCEE IN REGARD TO THE FOLLOWING:
1. Her special gifts and talents
2. Her strong personality qualities
3. Her relationship with her parents
4. Her life goals
5. Her special needs
6. Her fears and anxieties
7. What brings her special joy and fulfillment
8. Sources of frustration for her
9. Her expectations for marriage
10. Her noticeable likes and dislikes
THESE QUESTIONS SHOULD BE DISCUSSED BY THE COUPLE TOGETHER:
What will be required to make our marriage strong - - -
SOCIALLY?
Who will our friends be? Do we like each other’s friends? Can we allow each other to form close friendwhips without our being threatened?
ATTITUDINALLY?
What attitudes should we develop towards each other? Is there respect? Admiration? Loyalty? Gratefulness? Humbleness? Kindness? Contentment? Empathy? Submission?
MATERIALLY?
How will you manage your finances together? Who will answer to whom about how the money will be spent?
MENTALLY?
Will you spend time reading together on subjects of mutual interest or concerning marraige and the family? Do you plan further education?
PHYSICALLY?
What is your understanding of nutritional food? Do you plan an excercise program? Have you seen a physician? Are you free to discuss your sexual relationship?
VOCATIONALLY?
Are you happy in your present job(s)? Do you foresee any drastic change? Would you accept a job that would require you to move to another part of the country?
SPIRITUALLY?
What is your understanding of “Christian?” Where will your home church be? Will you spend time together reading the Bible and praying? Do you plan to bring up your children to know and follow the Lord Jesus?
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1. Write 10 or more things you think are nice, or that you like doing. This could be to do with
food, activities, colours, animals, people, seasons, celebrations, whatever comes to mind.
Write as many as you can quickly in 5 minutes.
After 5 minutes, write another 10 items - or more if possible.
2. Write 5 or 10 things that are not nice, you don’t like, or that annoy and irritate you.
3. Write 3 or 4 things that you say to encourage or congratulate …
a) your children
b) your spouse
c) your self
4. What 3 or 4 good things are you glad you did with or for …
a) your children
b) your spouse
c) your self
5. What 3 or 4 regrets do you have about what you did with …
a) your children
b) your spouse
c) your self
6. a) Who are the most important people in your life?
Write down 5 or 6 names, or more if needed.
b)Then put numbers beside their names to put them in order of importance.
7. a) What do you want in your life? Write down 5 or 6 things.
b) Then put them in order of importance.
c) What are you willing to do to achieve this?
d) What are you willing to give up to achieve this?
8. What do you wish your spouse would do to help you be more happy? Write up to 10 things.
9. a) How do you rate your marriage out of 10?
Rate 10 out of 10 for excellent and 0 for no good?
b) If your partner rated the marriage as 4 out of 10 then there are 6 things you could do to
improve it. Ask what 6 things your spouse wishes you would do to improve the relationship.
Commit yourself to do those things to make it nearer to 10 out of 10.
10. What date will you set to review how you have helped improve the relationship?
One week is a good time limit. Set a date and time to discuss the improvements.
Discoveries that may be pointed out briefly at the end.
Many people find it difficult to think of nice things at first. Our minds seem more programmed to think negatively. Often we get so used to negative thoughts it is the only way we know how to think. It is easier to encourage or congratulate our children than our spouse or self. When putting putting in order of importance, put yourself first. It seems selfish, but in reality is a positive way to live.
It is easier to maintain or improve the present situation than rebuild it after it has collapsed.
Pre-Marriage Questions
From Dr. Phil McGraw’s Five Questions to Ask Before You Get Married
Is getting married right for you? What do you need to know about your partner before you walk down the aisle? If you’re thinking of getting married, it’s time to ask yourself some questions. If you’ve already tied the knot, it’s not too late ? your answers to these five questions can help you, too! Ask yourself these five questions.
1. Why Are You Getting Married?
Be honest and evaluate the reasons behind your engagement.
Sit down and write a pro/con list about your partner and your relationship. Your list will reveal your true feelings.
Don’t get married to escape something. You want to move toward something positive.
2. Do You Know and Trust Your Partner’s Personal History?
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. How has your partner behaved in past relationships, and with you?
How well do you know your partner? Take the Relationship Profile test that follows. You should also be familiar with how your partner learned about marriage from his or her parents.
3. Did You Plan Your Marriage Instead of Just Your Wedding?
Cake, flowers, fine china? these are all exciting aspects of a wedding, but there’s more at stake than one day. Don’t forget to think about the next 50 years. With your partner, develop an “emotional pre-nuptial agreement” that outlines how you’ll handle children, money, trust issues, and division of labour. Make sure you are putting the same amount of time and effort (if not more) that you are using to plan your wedding into planning for your marriage.
4. Are You Investing More Than You Can Afford to Lose?
Look at the cost of your relationship. If you have to give up your friends, career, or family, the cost is too high. Evaluate your relationship with the Relationship Profile.
5. Have You Identified and Communicated Your Needs and Expectations?
Know yourself. You can’t determine if somebody is good for you if you don’t know your own needs. Express your needs and expectations now, not when you’re already involved in the marriage. How well do you and your partner communicate? Take the Communication Test that follows after the Relationship Profile.
A Few More Thoughts …
If you’re both in love, your chance of it working is one in two. If not, the outlook is not good. If you have to talk yourself into getting married, don’t do it! You may get there at some point, but not now. You don’t want to just be married; you want to be happily married.
Relationship Health
Let’s take an overall look at your relationship. The following is a broad questionnaire, a true/false test that includes items relevant to the health of you and your relationship. Be honest and go with your first reaction. Do this quickly and do not spend an excessive amount of time debating any one item.
Select either True or False for each item. If answering on a separate piece of paper write the number with T or F beside it.
1. I am satisfied with my sex life.
2. My partner doesn’t really listen to me.
3. I trust my partner.
4. I feel picked on and put down.
5. I am hopeful about our future.
6. It is not easy to share my feelings.
7. My partner often says, I love you.
8. Sometimes I feel rage.
9. I feel appreciated.
10. I am out of control.
11. My partner is there for me in difficult times.
12. My partner is harsh in his or her criticism.
13. My partner understands me.
14. I fear my partner is bored.
15. My partner doesn’t like to share what’s on his or her mind.
16. I imagine myself divorced.
17. My relationship is what I always dreamed of.
18. I know I am right.
19. My partner treats me with dignity and respect.
20. My partner is a taker.
21. We often do fun things together.
22. Sometimes I just want to hurt my partner.
23. I feel loved.
24. I would rather lie than deal with a problem.
25. We still have a lot of passion in our relationship.
26. I am trapped with no escape.
27. My partner thinks I am fun to be with.
28. Our relationship has gotten boring.
29. We enjoy going out on dates alone.
30. My partner is ashamed of me.
31. We trust each other a great deal.
32. We have become nothing more than roommates.
33. I know my partner will never leave me.
34. I am no longer proud of my body.
35. My partner respects me.
36. My partner constantly compares me to others.
37. My partner still finds me desirable.
38. We just seem to want different things.
39. I am allowed to think for myself.
40. I feel crowded by my partner.
41. I am honest with my partner.
42. People have no idea what our relationship is really like.
43. My partner is open to suggestions.
44. My partner has shut me out.
45. My partner is my primary source of emotional support.
46. I feel judged and rejected by my partner.
47. My partner cares if I am upset or sad.
48. My partner treats me like a child.
49. My partner puts our relationship ahead of all others.
50. I’ll never satisfy my partner.
51. My partner wants to hear my stories.
52. I chose my partner for the wrong reasons.
53. I look forward to our time together.
54. My partner thinks I am boring in bed.
55. My partner is lucky to have me.
56. My partner treats me like an employee.
57. I win my share of disputes.
58. I envy my friends’ relationships.
59. My partner would protect me if necessary.
60. I am suspicious of my partner.
61. I feel needed by my partner.
62. My partner is jealous of me.
Count all the even-numbered True answers. Write the total. Count the odd-numbered False answers. Add that number to your previous total to get your overall score.
Overall total: This test is designed to give you a quick snapshot of the health of your relationship.
· 0 - 11: Your relationship is well above the norm and may have isolated areas in which you can improve.
· 12 - 19: Your relationship is probably about average (which is not great) and certainly needs work.
· 20 - 32: Your relationship is seriously troubled and you may be living an emotional divorce.
· 32 and above: It is likely that your relationship is in extreme danger of failing.
Communication
Has communication with your partner improved? Take a look!
Relationship Communication Test
What type of communication pattern have you and your partner developed within your relationship? The true-false test below is designed to give you a better understanding of the ways you relate, or don’t relate, to your partner. These questions will also help you realize how comfortable you feel with your partner ? the person who is supposed to be the most significant and trusted person in your life. Check ‘True’ for all of the statements that express at least occasional problems on your part.
Select either True or False for each item.
1. I often can’t seem to find the right words to express what I want to say.
2. I worry that exposing myself to my partner will result in rejection.
3. I often don’t talk because I’m afraid my opinion is wrong.
4. Speaking up will only make things worse.
5. I talk too much and don’t give my partner a chance to speak.
6. I don’t look forward to talking to my partner.
7. Once I get started in an argument, I have trouble stopping.
8. My speech is often defensive.
9. I frequently bring up his or her past failures.
10. My actions don’t match what I say.
11. I don’t really listen.
12. I try to repay anger with anger or insult with insult.
13. I tease my mate too much.
14. I talk about really important things too rarely.
15. I often lie by omission.
16. I hate it when my partner brings up a problem.
17. I think it’s important to lay out to my partner all of the complaints I have about him or her.
18. I state my complaints in a heated manner.
19. I tend to say “You always” or “You never” when discussing my complaints.
20. I rarely state my complaints to avoid hurting my spouse.
21. I don’t like to argue because I feel arguing reflects badly on the relationship.
22. I don’t like to discuss our negative feelings because it only makes us feel worse.
23. I don’t feel I should have to bring up what’s bothering me because my partner should already know.
Overall total: There is no right or wrong number of true or false answers to this test. You should look over your responses to get a feel for where communication problems or perceptions exist.
Is there a Perfect Marriage?
“The people who tell you they’re happy all the time in their marriage … they’re either lying, or they never see their spouses.”
– Iris Krasnow
Iris Krasnow was a well-respected journalist before getting married and starting a family. Surrendering to motherhood was easier than surrendering to her marriage. There were times when both she and her husband were ready to leave. Things began to turn around when they began to let go of the happily-ever-after myth, and realize that their marriage was imperfect. This realization led to her book, Surrendering to Marriage.
What Is Surrender?
Surrendering, in this case, doesn’t mean submission; it means freedom. It means moving with the rhythm of your life and your marriage. According to Iris, surrendering to marriage is about surrendering to the promise of “I do” that you have made, and working as hard as you can to fulfill it.
Surrendering also means letting go of the marriage fantasy. Iris says, “If you think that the quality of your happiness is going to change dramatically once you march down the aisle, you’re wrong..
There Is No Perfect Marriage
Iris found that even marriages on the brink of divorce can be saved when couples let go of their expectations that someone else will make them happy. She says, “If you expect someone else to make you happy, you’ll never be happy.” When people say that they have an unhappy marriage, the reality is that there are unhappy people in the marriage. There is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people.
Should You Leave?
At times there are reasons to leave such as sustained agony due to abuse or adultery. However, boredom is not a reason to leave. If you’re bored in your marriage, Iris says, the first question to ask yourself is “What am I doing in my life to fill that hole?.
People often cite boredom, not feeling like soul mates, or finding someone better as reasons for leaving their marriages. Iris says, “There is no one better out there, because you take yourself with you wherever you go..
Lessons Learned
Iris Krasnow, author of Surrendering to Marriage, says that even marriages seemingly on the brink of divorce cam be saved. Here she offers some of what she learned about marriage while researching for her book.
Accept and expect feelings of hate to be part of marriage. Learn how to demonstrate rage silently, to swing with it, because you can count on the hate changing into something wonderful. Just like you can count on tender love turning into fighting. Marriage can be a pain ? you can count on that. So surrender to that fact and get on with things.
It is a fantasy to count on marriage to be a wellspring of contentment. Thinking you will get happiness-ever-after is a ticket to divorce. The sting of Cupid’s arrow will fade. There will be fewer ‘ah-ha’s’ and more ‘ho-hums’. Surrender to that rhythm and the grind of the ordinary, and a sustained and profound satisfaction can be yours..
Stop searching for perfect love elsewhere ? no such animal exists. Many people who have left marriages to chase someone they believed to be sexier than their spouse, end up with bigger problems than the ones they left behind. These include dealing with step-children, the unrelenting rage of the spouse and the realization that the same tough issues are surfacing again. That’s because they took their own imperfect selves with them, and from that there is no escape..
Hug and kiss your spouse as often as you do your kids. Your spouse will behave better. Come from a place of compassion and vulnerability, rather than snarly anger, and you’ll find that most of the time you will get everything you need or want..
Go on ? surrender to your imperfect marriage. Admit that you love it more than you hate it. Keep your wedding promises of “I do” and “I will,” vows that you must, we all must, work ourselves to the bone to fulfill..
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
Find out what happens in other peoples’ lives, and surrender to the realization that marriage isn’t perfect. These couples unveil their “real” marriages, and Iris Krasnow gives advice on how to surrender.
Making the Commitment
Ginger felt she was in the marriage by herself. She expected to be attached at the hip to her husband David. She assumed David would automatically know her needs. She left, but realized after a month that she missed things about her marriage she didn’t even know she had. Ginger realized she was never fully committed ? she had been trying to decide if she was going to stay married seven out of the eight and a half years they were married.
How to Surrender
Ginger had to commit herself to the marriage. Once David knew she wasn’t leaving, he was able to let go of the fear and put more into the marriage. Iris says that you have to surrender to your part in the marriage rather than resent it. If one person is better at something ? whether it’s grocery shopping or laundry ? let it ignite a cycle of love and kindness, instead of resentment.
Getting Past an Affair
When marriage didn’t live up to his expectations, Michael looked for excitement and attention elsewhere. Not long after he told Ann about his affair, she followed suit. Her extramarital affairs made her feel like she was on a pedestal ? a feeling she didn’t get at home. Although they were both extremely hurt, they were determined to stay together as a family.
How to Surrender
The excitement of an affair is temporary, Iris says. It’s a total fantasy. She explains, “It’s the hubba-hubba heart-throb you’re always courting in some bed and breakfast, everyone’s just lost ten pounds weight, you’re wearing Victoria Secret underwear, you don’t share a bathroom, and you don’t even know if they snore.”
Iris says that an affair doesn’t have to be a reason to end a marriage ? it’s for each couple or person to work out what they can handle. If you want your marriage, you have to forgive at some point. If a person is suffering sustained agony, however, the marriage is in serious trouble ? some people cannot get over it.
Battling Resentment
After doing what she sees as surrendering to her marriage for twelve years, Anna still feels sad and lonely. She misses the romance, the spontaneity and the spark. She finds herself wondering, “Is this all there is?”
How to Surrender
Iris says you have to ask for what you need. If you ask for what you need and you don’t get it, then you have a problem. However, if there’s a simmering resentment within, then you have to find what’s going on in your own life. Marriage is a drag sometimes, and you have to put yourself at the top of your to-do list.
Fighting Unreal Expectations
Steve had always dreamed of having a large family like his own ? he wanted five children. Despite a series of miscarriages, they were blessed with a daughter. Steve, however, harbored resentment after a specialist advised them to stop trying to have more children. In order to save their marriage, Kim asked him to learn to appreciate what they had, rather than dwell on the dream of his ideal family.
How to Surrender
Iris says you have to embrace reality and not your fantasy. The disappointment and resentment was from his expectations. Steve surrendered his dream of a large family and decided to be thankful and enjoy what they have.
Appreciating What You Have
After many of her friends divorced, Linda compared her married life to their newfound lives as single women. She sabotaged her relationship ? she thought her married life was boring and without excitement and passion. Looking back, she wishes she had surrendered to her life, because she already had everything she was looking for.
How to Surrender
Iris says it’s the mundane part of marriage that we try to flee. It’s not always euphoric. When you compare your marriage to others’, you’re not seeing what really exists. Appreciate what you have - someone else isn’t going to make you happier. When you’re married and feeling malaise and boredom - work that marriage to the bone. If there’s a shred of hope, fight for it.
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50-ITEM LIST OF HELPFUL
MARRIAGE SIMILARITIES
1. 1. Socio-economical background of family
2. 2. Intelligence
3. 3. Formal education
4. 4. Verbal skills
5. 5. Expected roles for both persons within the marriage
6. 6. Views about power distribution within the family
7. 7. Desired number of children
8. 8. When a family should be started
9. 9. Child rearing views
10. 10. Political philosophy
11. 11. Views about smoking, alcohol, and drugs
12. 12. Amount of involvement with in-laws
13. 13. Sense of humor
14. 14. Punctuality
15. 15. Dependability
16. 16. Desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate
17. 17. The role of conflict and how to resolve it
18. 18. The way to handle anger
19. 19. How friendships with the opposite sex should be handled
20. 20. Expected amount of privacy and rules for its use
21. 21. Level of ambition
22. 22. Life goals
23. 23. Attitudes about weight
24. 24. Religious and spiritual beliefs and preferences
25. 25. Amount of church involvement
26. 26. Family spiritual involvement
27. 27. Hobbies and interests
28. 28. Type of music enjoyed
29. 29. Energy level for physical activities
30. 30. Amount of income to be spent and saved
31. 31. How money should be allocated (clothes, vacations, etc)
32. 32. Amount of money to be given away and to whom
33. 33. Degree of risks to be taken with investments
34. 34. Attitudes about cleanliness - house, clothes, body, etc
35. 35. Ways of handling sickness
36. Health standards - when to see a doctor